Dear Fellow Kings and Queens of the Soul Salon,
It's with a heavy heart I have a confession to share and it's all my fault.......the Soul Salon is on the move again!
I have learnt that I would be silly to think I could stay anywhere long term that wasn't my own. Since I am not the settling down type it has come as a surprise to me how unsettled I feel now getting ready to move on again. The place I live in now is completely surreal like a dream come true. A once in a lifetime manifestation. How do I move on from here? For the first time in my Life I am stumped, in turmoil and grieving for a place I have not called mine but have begun to call Home......... Home, whatever that is....? A place to lay your head? A residence? A security blanket? A hang out? A place to store your shit? A familiar feeling?
I have given the whole Gypsy thing a run for its money and then some. Shit, I should be the Queen of not standing still.....I don't stay anywhere very long. Bored and restless?.... Move house! Hate the carpet because every motherfucker has smoked a pack a day in there for the last 30 years.....Move house! The number of your house isn't good Feng Shui....Move house! The backyard looks like a grave yard that gave up the ghost....move house! Having family dramas?...... Move 3 states away to a Queendom across water with a moat to get some Peace! Get married, buy a house, no white picket fence?....Move house. Again. For less drama! You buy a house, build the white picket fence and you discover that the roses smell like bullshit? So....you move house....Again and again......
Moving, running always running away from the commitment that owning something brings. I have learnt over the years of looking in the mirror that I am not a plodder....I couldn't work out why my friends could buy a house or stay in the same job for like 10 years, get long service leave and you know make a 5 year plan...But me? Well honey I am just trying to get to Friday, cause you know it's like cheap drinks at happy hour and I gotta work all day Saturday.....What the actual fuck???
I have always wondered why I can't just sit at something for say 5 years and watch it grow. I'm all for gung ho, fingers crossed and hope for the best. And pray! Always pray that it all works out. What I lack in staying power I make up in manifesting a quick exit out the back door and re-build. I now look back at my rather colourful, adventurous Life as just one big Hustle baby.....
I learnt from a young age how to go "picking" at the dump (as it was so unceremoniously called back when, no refuse/recycling station back then) and making something from nothing and then making do. I spent most of year 12 not studying to further my education but rather, like the rest of my family who fucked off their school education for a life in the auction halls, learning to haggle, bid and then flog goods either at another auction or the garage sales my mother and grandparents loved to conduct every other weekend. I can tell you now walking home from school Friday afternoons to all your shit slapped out on the front lawn for everyone to inspect, judge or buy was more than horrifying. Especially when you where the new kid only a year earlier.......Because you know what? Yep my parents loved to move too and....they had no shame!
In their defense the in and out has taken me everywhere and has built the character I am today. It took me to some good times and bad decisions. To epic views and royal disasters. And while it has worked for me for a time, now as a Mother and business owner who's sole income is my suitcase salon, I realise everywhere I go I take me with me. A lesson long in the learning. Funny how where you go your problems/patterns seem to follow you too! Or is that just a coincidence? I think not.... So now standing in front of the mirror I see my whole Life has been a Fugazi......A fake.
A Life of running from myself. A sort of Gypsy with no roots....What I've learned about nomadic peoples is that whilst they don't put down roots in one place, their roots are in the blood of their tribe that travels together. They have each other. Their groundedness is the protection and security of having the safety of the family or tribe having your back and helping everyone get their needs met. Sometimes to thrive but always to survive. My mirror didn't reflect this truth. It only reflected one face. Mine. The only one who knew how to survive but never really thrive, because when you are always running you occasionally look back over your shoulder and never really look forward seeking the finish line. To be honest, I never knew what the finish line looked like! Sometimes I got a glimpse of it but then I would get distracted and it would disappear from view. Sometimes those epic marathons would take me on unexpected adventures, meeting people, leaving people, and carrying on lonelier than before. But now running a marathon as a Mother, as you any of you beautiful Wonder Women know, is fucking double exhausting when you have an extra load to carry. So, I have learnt that the time has come for me to stop running, to put down the load and plod for a while......(I know right!) Save my breathe and who knows I might even glimpse the finish line and thrive. Plodding is so not my thing, neither is snail pace or power walking.....haha this is going to be interesting (insert eye roll emoji). I am not the white picket fence kinda girl. You know the dream....mandatory house, SUV in the drive way, mummy and daddy uniforms, coffee machine and netflix. None of which I own by the way....So how does a self-confessed Gypsy put down roots and stop running and over come a fear of commitment? Well I have no idea!!! So I am going to need your help. Tribe, the roots who help you survive and thrive. The Soul Salon. The Sisterhood. I need you all to help show me how it's done here in Tassie where staying put is an Art form. An inheritance. Something of which I will never experience only create. I realise that the only one to "save" me is ME! To start small and build slowly from a solid foundation that won't sink or swim. To take a giant leap or risk and be completely responsible for it. And while I am no stranger to responsibility, hell I am still alive on my own back AND I have managed to keep another human being alive for over 8 years so I think I am doing alright!!! But even Wonder Woman needs a sick note from time to time just to sit still and read a book. Any grown ups in the room want to write me a sick note? Because I am not used to giving myself permission to have a day off, or better yet to thrive. And whilst I am so fucking exhausted of running, I also realise that I have to learn to stand and fight, if necessary and that is a by product of commitment is to fight for you...To build, to co-create, fight and protect. Virtues of committing to oneself. You see, I want more than a white picket fence Aussie dream. I want that something that is knocking at me deep down from my core. A longing for a place from which I can connect. A place to share, borrow, care for and protect. Something I can leave behind when my turn is up. I want to put down my roots into the Earth. My Mother. Deep, dark Soul roots that have weathered many storms. Who won't run away selling their Souls in a side hustle in the here and now for a quick dollar. A prostitute of time and fear with security, rejection and abandonment issues. My core longs to stay a while, to build, to leave behind something for another time and space. A legacy for other generations to guard, honour, protect and to have stewardship over. To never own, but rather share in co-consciousness. To leave behind something better than when you found it, simply because you were apart of it. A Living Legacy or Sanctuary made Divine by your presence and energy essence.
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